Joke, Role-playing Games

67 Things that Half-Gen the Pander is no longer allowed to do in the Sabbat

67 Things that Half-Gen the Pander is no longer allowed to do in the Sabbat

So, this list started off as a Vampire: The Masquerade joke version of the notorious and glorious Skippy’s List on Facebook. But it has become too wonderful not to share to a wider audience. So, in honor of the upcoming Sabbat Vampire: The Masquerade LARP event The Night In Question, here is 67 things that the man, the legend, the Half-Gen the Sabbat Pander is no longer allowed to say or do.

  1. Half-Gen will no longer refer to Big Gulps as the Loyalist Vaulderie Chalice.
  2. The Vaulderie is not ‘part of a balanced breakfast’ and Half-gen will stop ending rituals saying so.
  3. Half-Gen is not The Bishop of Awesomeness, and he will stop making org charts for the Diocese that include the title.
  4. Half-Gen is not the Sabbat Harpy.
  5. Half-Gen is not the Sabbat Justicar.
  6. Half-Gen will refer to Caine as the Dark Father, not Our Big Black Daddy.
  7. Half-Gen will not refer to the Regent as “Caine’s Little Helper.”
  8. Half-Gen will stop fiddling with whatever that is.
  9. “Smash Brothers” is not a Game of Instinct
  10. (Later) Fine, “Smash Brothers IRL” in real life is now a Game of Instinct, but Half-Gen will get that smug look off of his face
  11. Lucita is a revered member of our sect, and thus should not be referred to as “Hot Stuff”
  12. “Her Royal Hotness” is not an acceptable substitute either
  13. The discipline of flesh-crafting’s proper name is Vicissitude, not “the Mr. Potato Head Thing” or “Play-Doh Fun Time”.
  14. Anything that makes Half-gen giggle for more than 10 minutes is not allowed as a game of instinct.
  15. Half-Gen is no longer allowed to follow-up every line from the Book of Lilith with “That’s what she said”
  16. The blood bath does not require any toiletries nor should Half-gen call room service demanding some.
  17. The Monomacy does not require a wrestling announcer or ring-side commentators, and Half-Gen will not imitate one.
  18. The Monomacy does not require ‘ring girls’, and Half-Gen will no longer show up in a sequin dress to “correct this oversight”.
  19. Half-Gen will no longer play ‘I got your nose!’ with the Tzimisce
  20. Half-Gen is not allowed to befriend the Szlatchka or name them “Princess Puss-Puss”.
  21. Half-Gen will no longer refer to the Gangrel Antitribu as “Fidos”.
  22. Half-Gen is not allowed to have a flamethrower, ever.
  23. Even if he made it himself. In fact, especially if.
  24. Half-Gen is not allowed to proposition the Lasombra for “that sweet Hentai stuff.”
  25. “I Licked It And It’s Mine” does not apply to packmates.
  26. The Vaulderie will no longer be called “Drinking The Kool-Aide”.
  27. Half-Gen will stop referring to the Sabbat as an ‘anarcho-syndicalist collective’ and inferring that the Regent was selected by “a watery tart lobbing a scimitar at them.”
  28. Half-Gen will stop quoting Monty Python, ever. But ESPECIALLY during the Ritae.
  29. No one in the Diocese is Half-Gen’s senpai and we will not notice him.
  30. Sasha Vykos is not Half-Gen’s “God level waifu”, whatever that means.
  31. Printing body pillows of Lucita or any other Prisci is not allowed.
  32. Half-Gen is not allowed to imitate the hyenas from Lion King under any circumstances, but especially when we say the name of the Regent.
  33. Renditions of “Be Prepared” by Half-Gen will be dealt with, with extreme prejudice
  34. Half-Gen will not demand a strip tease from the Nosferatu for a Rite of Contrition
  35. Half-Gen will not alert the pack to the approaching Lupines by screaming, “The furries are here!”
  36. When selecting his second for the Monomacy, Half-Gen can no longer scream ‘Archibshop, I choose you!’ Also, put that pokeball away.
  37. Half-Gen will not teach the newly embraced that the mission of the Sabbat is to ‘purge the scourge of mimes from the Earth’
  38. Half-Gen will not attempt to shovelhead people with a rake.
  39. Half-Gen will no longer ghoul things on a bet.
  40. Half-Gen is no longer allowed to start any ritual or report to the Diocese with the words, “no shit, there I was”
  41. Half-Gen is not allowed to Rick-Roll any member of the Sword.
  42. The Book of Nod is a sacred text and it is not in need of any updates, revisions or ‘spicing up for the mommy porn market’.
  43. Half-Gen is not allowed to sell the movie or TV rights to the Book of Nod.
  44. Half-Gen is no longer allowed to refer to his pack as the A-Team. He must use their proper name’s instead.
  45. Half-Gen is not allowed to found a pack just to call it the A-Team
  46. Half-Gen is not allowed to track down actors from any version of the A-Team just to embrace them.
  47. Half-Gen will not turn on Animal Planet and ask the Gangrel Antitribu if “they can turn in to that one”.
  48. Half-Gen will not refer to Tenebrous Form as “The Shadow Gimp Suit”.
  49. The Abyss does not have a gift shop and Half-Gen will stop asking for things from it.
  50. Half-Gen will learn that the Salubri Anti’s name is Azrael, not ‘Bowling Bowl Head’.
  51. What any Tzimisce did with their penis when they learned flesh-crafting is none of Half-Gen’s business.
  52. Half-Gen will not play “I’m not touching you” with the Brujah Antis.
  53. Half-Gen will no longer respond to the Tzimisce shifting into Horrid Form by screaming ‘Hulk Smash!’
  54. Half-Gen will stop trying to stick his fingers in the eye sockets of the Harbingers.
  55. Half-Gen will no longer follow each instance of diablerie by saying “There can be only one.”
  56. The Monomacy will not be settled by seeing who can hold their breath the longest.
  57. The Monomacy will not be settled through competitive eating.
  58. The Sword of Caine shall not be referred to as a Wight Supremacist organization.
  59. Half-Gen will not chant “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” during a diablerie ever again.
  60. “Flash Mob” is not an Ignoblis Ritae.
  61. Half-Gen shall not refer to a Blood Bath as a “Keg Stand.”
  62. The Creation Rites will not be referred to as “The Cainite Swipe Right”.
  63. Half-Gen will stop making “casual” references to Philadelphia around the Inquisitors.
  64. Half-Gen will not speak to the Blood Brothers and will stop asking which one is Curly
  65. Half-Gen will not ask the Assamite Antitribu if they are the Sheriff of Rock Ridge.
  66. Half-Gen will put the bluetooth speaker away.
  67. Half-Gen will not refer to Lucita as “that spoiled bitch who changes sects as often as I change pants”, no matter how accurate given both the Priscus’ history and Half-Gen’s laundry habits.

Thanks to Cee J. Riordan, Kelly McMahan, Todd Cole, Matt J. Womack, Kevin Whiteside, Jamies Nobles and James Perrin for their contributions to the list.

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